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What To Do When School Is Not “Working”

School is supposed to be a healthy, enriching environment for your child. He is supposed to learn, be challenged, grow, and have fun. However, for a child with a learning disability, or one who has experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect, this is not always the case.

What’s a parent to do when homework is a battle? When every request to get ready for school sparks an epic meltdown? When your child’s teacher reports that the classroom is a place of nearly constant frustration? Your once-happy child comes home each day feeling defeated and stupid. What can you do when school is not working for your child?

The Typical “First Steps” are Not Enough

You’ve met with his teacher. Testing has been completed and interpreted. You’ve requested and implemented an IEP. His educational support team has incorporated your input to create trauma-informed rewards and consequences systems. And still, you – and maybe his teacher too – want to pull your hair out daily. The struggle is continuing.

When kids struggle with either academics or behavior at school, your first thoughts should not be to change school environments. So, yes, you should do all those “first steps” first. Try to work with the school and your child to make this current school a good – or better – fit. At what point, however, should you consider that a change of the actual school environment is in your child’s best interest?

The Beyond Consequences Approach to School

The first recommendation we would offer is to read Heather Forbes’ book, Help for Billy: A Beyond Consequences Approaching to Helping Challenging Children in the classroom. She wrote this book after struggling to navigate the school system for her child with learning differences (also called learning disabilities). If you haven’t read her previous book, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, it is also an excellent read for parenting children who struggle. Our partner, Creating a Family, interviewed Heather Forbes on Helping Kids Who Struggle at School. It’s an excellent additional resource for you.

Treat Schools in Your Community as a Buffet

Another suggestion for what to do about your child’s school struggles is to re-frame your thinking about school options. Rather than considering your local community school as the only or best choice, think of it as part of a buffet – one of several options from which you can freely choose that which your child needs right now. When you have a child with learning disabilities, you have to consider choices that you likely didn’t picture yourself making.

You shouldn’t take lightly the decision to switch schools or to homeschool. Indeed, there are advantages to the continuity of keeping your child in the school she is attending, including:

  • knowing the teachers and support staff
  • knowing which teacher might work best with your child
  • the school and teachers knowing your child and you
  • continuing friendships from year to year for you and your child
  • teaching our kids that we don’t quit and run at the first sign of difficulty
  • the cost associated with private schools
  • the time and lifestyle commitment of homeschooling
  • the considerable convenience of having all your kids in the same school or school system for drop-offs, pickups, and school breaks

But at some point, you may want to consider a change and these signs might help you know that the time has come.

4 Signs That When You Need to Change Schools

  1. Listen to your gut. Are you dreading picking your child up from school? Do you want to scream when you get another note from the teacher? Does your heart break for your child on a near-daily basis?
  2. Listen to your child. Don’t just rely on his words – kids often speak louder with their actions than with words. Pay attention to his behavior. Is your child miserable? Does he hate school? Is he able to hold it together in school, but fall completely apart when he gets home?
  3. Listen to the school. Do they seem willing to work with you to help your child? Does her teacher seem to dislike her? Is the school willing and able to incorporate some of what you’ve learned about the best way to help your child, or do they want to make your child fit their rigid mold? If you’ve had educational testing, do the results match what you know of your child, or are they off the mark?
  4. Put your family first. Do school issues significantly interfere with your family life? Does your child have time with the family for afterschool fun activities? Do homework battles suck the joy out of parenting?

It’s a difficult choice to make. If you’ve been in the heat of a school-related struggle with your child for a while and feel as if no ground has been gained, it might be time to ask yourself these hard questions. It’s also helpful to talk with other parents who have been through similar experiences. If you are not part of a support group for parents of kids with learning challenges, consider joining one to get some support.