Tips To Help You Parent the Parentified Child

A typical dynamic with siblings in neglectful and dysfunctional homes is for one child, often the oldest, to take on the role of the parent in providing for the physical and emotional needs of the younger siblings. Very often, he or she also becomes the emotional and physical support for their parent. In essence, the child becomes the parent. We refer to this child as a “parentified child.”

Safety and Survival

No child should have to become the parent to her siblings and parents, but this is often the only way the family has survived. Although we view it as harmful for the child, the tricky part of changing that for the parentified child is that often the child likes the role of being in charge.

This position has brought her control and has provided whatever level of safety she had, and a sense of safety for the younger siblings for whom she felt responsible. She likely has a sense of identity in being the responsible one. Moving her out of this role can feel threatening not only to her safety but also to her very identity.

All kids should have the right to be kids, so it is natural when adopting a sibling group into your family that you will want to make sure that all the children are allowed to “just be kids.” Of course, you want your kids to have a normal childhood. But you will need to gradually move the parentified child out of his perceived parenting role. Remember, it took years for the child to become the parent, but with patience and consistency you can give him back his childhood.

10 Parenting Tips for a ‘Parentified’ Child

1. At the beginning set clear boundaries and define the roles of the parent and the children. State clearly what Dad and Mom are responsible for in your home, and what kids are responsible for.
2. Talk with the child who has assumed the role of caretaker. Ask what it was like caring for her siblings. Acknowledge that it probably feels weird and uncomfortable not being in charge.
3. If his siblings are not living with you, try to maintain contact with those siblings to alleviate some of your child’s worry about them and guilt at not being able to care for them.
4. Plan on a gradual transition from parent to sibling. (It took a while to create and it will take a while to correct.)
5. Ask the child to show you how to care for his siblings and allow him to feel important and respected for his knowledge. “What type of peanut butter does the little one like?” “What soothes her?”
6. Allow her to continue some of the smaller responsibilities, such as giving baths, brushing hair, or getting snacks for her siblings.
7. Parentified children are often competent at many things. Find ways for him to use these skills outside of parenting his siblings and let him hear you bragging about him to someone else.
8. Get your child involved in activities with other children her age–school clubs, sports, church youth group, scouts, art class, etc.
9. Find and continue therapy for the child and siblings.
10. Be patient, supportive and understanding. Like other children in care, a parentified child is behaving in a manner that is normal for him, usually out of fear and survival. It will take time to trust and feel safe enough to let go.