Nurturing Your Marriage When You are Parenting Children Who Have Experienced Trauma

Marriage, under the best of circumstances, is hard work and requires diligent attention to thrive. But when you are parenting a child (or children) who has experienced trauma, that attention quite often gets diverted to your child’s needs. You can hardly blame yourself for that – children with trauma in their history quite often have minimal capacity to wait for the care and nurture they need to heal. When you have trauma-driven behaviors that cause crises – big and little – it’s easy to put the nurturing attention that you know your marriage needs on the back burner. There’s never enough time in the day to do it all, right?

In respect for your time, we offer these implementable tips for nurturing your marriage when you are parenting kids who have experienced trauma. Notice we didn’t say “easy” tips – we know there is no easy, quick fix for securing a relationship as crucial as your marriage. These tips are, however, implementable for turning your attention to your spouse and nurturing each other to protect your marriage.

Be a student

Learn About Love Languages – If you don’t already know, consider learning what your spouse’s love language is.  You’ll make your attention to your relationship much more effective by offering affection in a way he can receive it and feel that connection. There are many resources online that will give you quick quizzes or more in-depth reading if you wish.

Learn About Attachment Styles – You might also enjoy learning what your –  and your partner’s – attachment styles are. These attachment styles impact how you relate in marriage and parenting, among other relationships. Your attachment style stems mainly from your family of origin and how your parents raised you. Ask your therapist or adoption social worker for reliable resources to understand the basics of attachment styles. It’s an excellent tool to help you and your partner parent from “the same page.”

Learn About Your Child – Discuss what you are learning about your child who is struggling. Share your observations of how that child handles conflict, discuss a plan of action for supporting her better. Learn about your child’s love language and work as a team to shower that child with a specific show of love that will speak the most to her.

Be intentional

With Your Time – Set a regular date for the two of you to refresh together. Some couples enjoy a late movie once the kids are in bed – especially if childcare is a struggle. Other couples find hiring a babysitter for the same night of every week is the best plan to nurture their marriage. Take advantage of marriage retreats or even parenting conferences to double as get-aways to refocus on the “mission” of your marriage. Be flexible, but be intentional to schedule time together regularly.

With Your Attention – When your child’s melt-down interrupts an important (and rare!) conversation, stop long enough to say, “This conversation is important to me. I want to finish it later. Can I get a rain check?” When a family counseling appointment has to be re-scheduled (again!), check with each other and ask, “Hey, you okay? Can you make it to the next appointment?” By stopping in life’s regularly scheduled chaos to check on each other, you are choosing intentional attention to your partner’s needs – even if you cannot meet each other’s needs at that moment.

Be present

Connect in the chaos – If your child who has experienced trauma is struggling to regulate or creating chaos, it’s easy to let it flame itself out and disconnect for a while as it does. However, this might also be a perfect moment to be present for your spouse. As long as your child is safe, utilize the times of dysregulation to connect with her. Find a way (hint: use what you’ve learned about her love languages) to let her know you are in this with her right now. Tell her that you aren’t going anywhere, no matter how stressful it is to parent this child right now.

Put the devices away – It might sound trite to say, but when you are with your spouse, put your phone down. If you struggle with that, commit to small chunks of time in which you will not allow yourself to answer work emails or watch cute puppy videos. Choose to use that time connecting about each other’s day. Ask questions to get into his world. Find ways to be fully present with your partner, like a card game or reading a book together. Enjoy moments when you can cocoon together from the struggles.

It’s Okay to Say “No” – Sometimes, the kids will try to thwart your intentions to connect and be present with your spouse. It can feel threatening to a child with a trauma history when Mom’s attention diverted to Dad for a few hours on date night. Unless your child is unsafe, sick, or in a real crisis, it’s alright to stick with the plan and tell your child, “No, I can’t come home right now. I will be home in two hours. I’ll sit with you in bed when I get home.” If you know your child can wait, your best “yes” might just be to your spouse at that moment. Even if your child is very young, practice early by saying, “Mom and I need this time together to help us be the best parents we can be.” Those words, spoken often, can create continuity and security for both your spouse and your child.

Shoring Up The Foundations

We know marriage takes a ton of commitment from both partners. When you choose to keep learning about each other, to be intentional with your relationship, and be present for each other, you are shoring up the foundations of your home. You are giving your children a priceless gift of security and trust from which they can grow and find healing from their own trauma experiences.