Help Your Child Overcome Lying

Mom walks into a room where Little Sister is crying inconsolably. “Johnny, did you just break up your sister’s whole Lego village that she spent the morning building?”

Johnny shouts loudly and aggressively, “No! I didn’t do anything!”

Mom spies the roof of the sister’s Lego house in his hands, which he quickly shoves behind his back. “Really? What is that in your hand? I know you are lying. Tell me the truth, right now!”

Johnny is in a full rage now, and he digs in, “NOTHING! IT’S NOTHING! I don’t have anything in my hand!”

Sound Familiar?

Does this conversation sound familiar? Lying is a common childhood issue. It’s just as common for parents to be totally stressed out and angered by the lying. Lying and confronting the lies quite often sets up a terrible cycle for families of kids from difficult beginnings, like adoption or foster care.

Parents of typically developing children know that “all kids lie.” Still, those of us who are parenting kids from trauma histories also know that those lies can come from something more significant or deeply rooted than typical developmental processes.

Why Does Johnny Lie?

When trying to learn a connected, healing way to overcome lying, it’s essential first to understand WHY adopted and foster kids might lie. According to this video by Bryan Post, of the Post Institute, kids from hard places lie for the following reasons:

• Fear – of the consequences, of what Mom will think of me, of my ability to survive what might come next
• Stress – being caught in or confronted about a lie triggers hypervigilance, adrenaline spikes, and “distorted thinking.”
• Survival – being put in a position to lie or not lie triggers the amygdala, instinct to self-protect is deeply rooted

Ignore the Lie; Don’t Ignore the Child

SO — what do you do when you know your child is lying? According to Post, there is one significant thing you must do to re-route the unhealthy neural pathways in your child’s brain that are programmed to lie. He says to “Ignore the Lie; Don’t Ignore the Child.”

1.  When a child tells a lie, it is the parent’s response that escalates the situation.

You feel angered and stressed by the lie. Your reaction – whether you say it with your words or not – expresses your anger. Remember that communication is not just verbal. Body language and facial expressions tell the story too.

2. Because the moment of being caught in a lie has already triggered stress in your child’s brain, he acts out what he believes will protect him.

The child’s mind is “convinced” that he absolutely must lie and must stick with it to survive the confrontation in front of him. The current neural pathways in his brain have wired him to believe that this will be the only way to keep himself safe.

3.  Your task at this moment is to address the need that the child is expressing in his behavior.

That might sound like, “Okay, honey. It will be alright. You are safe with me.” Your words and your tone should be calming and gentling to convey security. (Just a side note: This calm response requires that you know and deal with your own triggers before the heat of the moment forces the stress responses in you to bubble up.)

4. Later, when both you and your child are totally calm and de-escalated, circle back to your child.

Plainly and kindly state how the lie makes you feel. By the way, this is the classic “When you do x, I feel y” language that is at the core of all good communication skills.  So say something like this: “When you tell me a lie, it really hurts me and makes me feel sad.”

5.  Follow up your “When you x, I feel y” language with loving reassurances that you can be trusted by your child.

“I want you to know that you can trust me. Nothing you say will make me stop loving you.” And then let the whole scenario go. It’s over.

Re-wired for Relationship

Post’s “Ignore the Lie; Don’t Ignore the Child” method reassures your child’s brain that his security is based in your relationship. Once you have changed how you initially respond and your child’s brain has been re-wired, you will find that your child’s lying decreases. Those positive repetitious experiences re-wire his brain for safety and trust rather than feeling as if he must lie to survive.

Our partners at Creating a Family have many other resources to support you with lying, stealing and other challenging behaviors.

Source: The Post Institute, video available on the Post Institute youtube channel