Help Your Adopted Child Write a Letter To His Birth Parent

Most adopted children have questions about and for their birth parents. These questions typically center around the circumstances of their birth and adoption. Whether they have the opportunity to form a relationship with a birth parent or not, those questions go with them through their lives. Whether they will admit it to you or not, those questions come down to the desire to know their birth parents and to be known by them as well.

Talking with your child about these questions is an integral part of helping your child process his adoption story and work through his history. Those conversations are probably happening in your home in a million little ways all the time. If you are looking for another tool in your therapeutic parenting toolbox, consider writing a good old-fashioned letter together.* The message can be to either or both birth parents, but for purposes here, we’ll say birth mothers as the intended audience.

Who Is The Letter For?

Helping your adopted child write a letter to his birth mother is a great way to get his thoughts, feelings, and wishes down on paper.  The letters never have to be sent – instead, he can keep them in a treasured location to review as he grows or to add to as he thinks of other things he wants or needs to say. Yes, he can share them with her if he wishes, but he can also keep them private as a tool for his healing process or for putting a voice to the curiosity he feels inside. In that sense, the letters aren’t really for his birth mother at all.

A word of caution before you start: You know your child best and are in the best position to decide whether this idea would be helpful. If you are unsure and your child is in counseling, you should talk about this idea with the counselor before you decide to do it.

How Does My Child Write The Letter?

Depending upon your child’s age, he might need a little help with the structure of the letter. Younger children might benefit from you writing their thoughts for them, especially if they get on a roll with their words. And no matter how old your child is, don’t get caught up in grammar, punctuation, or sentence structure if you are working together. Keep the focus on the purpose of the letter.

The Opening – A letter opens with “Dear ___________,” but this beginning can be an obstacle for your child to overcome at the start. Maybe he isn’t sure what to call her, or he doesn’t know her name. Perhaps he is unsure how he “should” refer to her. Assure him it’s okay to choose what opening feels most comfortable. Keep it simple and offer him a few options if he seems stuck.

The First Paragraph – Your child should write a few sentences about the wishes, concerns, or questions he has for his birth mother. If he seems a bit overwhelmed or unable to find words, ask him if he’d like some examples. A few common questions* that kids might ask are:

• I wish I knew where you were.
• I wish we could talk on the phone.
• What do you look like?
• Do I look like you or my birth father?
• Why did you leave me?
• Do you have other kids?

The Second Paragraph – This is the paragraph in which your child gets to talk about himself. He can tell his birth mother where he lives, what his daily life is like, what his hobbies are, and more. If he has a beloved pet or a new talent, he can tell her about that.  He can talk about anything that he wants to share with her and that makes him feel good about himself.

The Closing – To end his letter, he should say something like, “From, Johnny” or “Love, Johnny” if that feels comfortable. If his name has changed with his adoption, he might want to include his birth name, and that is okay. The point is to help him feel safe and comfortable with the connection he’s making.

What Do We Do With This Letter?

Once the letter is complete, talk with your child about how he feels. If he’s struggling or feeling overwhelmed, allow him time to rest and calm his racing thoughts. When your child is calm and up to processing further, ask your child to read the letter out loud. Tell him to imagine that his birth mother is listening to him read.

After he finishes reading you the letter, ask him a few questions*:

• What does your birth mom think of your note?
• What do you think she’d like to say to you right now?
• Is there anything else you’d like to ask?

Your child might need your “permission” to explore a connection with his birth mother. It helps at this stage of the exercise to verbally give him that consent by saying something about how he can feel connected to her. One such way to explain that connection is to use the sun, moon, and stars under which we all live.*

We’re All Connected

If your child is young, you may have to guide this conversation more intentionally. But no matter the age, start by saying something like, “We all live under the same sun, moon, and stars no matter where in the world we are. Your birth mother sees the same sun, moon, and stars that you see every day. Would you like something to help you feel connected to her? What makes you think of her – the sun, the moon, or the stars?”

Allow him to choose the “thing” that he connects with his birth mother. When he’s settled on an option – and permit him to find some other object if this example isn’t working for him – encourage him to think of her each time he looks at that sun, moon, or the stars. He can even decorate a shoebox with that motif for a treasured place to keep his letters. As he’s decorating, tell him to picture her thinking of him with love and care when she sees the sun, moon, or the stars, too. That she knows what a great kid he is and that he is happy and loved and doing well.

When You Are Done

This exercise, while very healing, might also be an emotionally tiring event for your child. That’s okay – especially if it’s the first time you’ve done something like this together. When you finish the letter, put it away together and allow yourselves to rest. Depending on your child’s temperament, he might need some alone time before you come back together. But be very purposeful in coming back together, without talking about the letter again unless he wants to.  Find an activity that you both enjoy and will help him feel connected to you – that could be a board game, a coffee date, or movies on the couch in your pajamas.

Re-visit the letter exercise whenever he wants or needs to. There are likely many times ahead as he grows in his understanding of his adoption story that will feel “letter worthy.” Make an event of it together in a way that is meaningful to both of you. Each time will be a way to honor where he is in his process. It’s an excellent record of that process and an exercise that can be very healing for him as well.

*Source:  The Adoptive & Foster Parent Guide: How to Heal Your Child’s Trauma and Loss, by Carol Lozier, MSW, LCSW