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Cultivating Healthy Racial Identity in Transracial Adoption

Cultivating healthy racial identity in your transracially adopted or foster child is a long-term parenting goal. Scientists report that children develop racial awareness as young as infancy and continue to refine this identity into adulthood.

Awareness of skin color, hair texture and color, eye color and so on grows with exposure throughout the pre-school years. It would be incomplete to assume that guiding our kids to racial awareness is going to be enough.

Here are four questions parents of transracial adoptees can ask themselves as practical tools to guide their children through typically developing racial awareness into healthy racial identity. The questions are inspired by a interview between Creating a Family and Dr. Gina Samuels, Associate Professor at the School of Social Service Administration and a Faculty Affiliate of the Center for the Study of Race, Politics and Culture.

Though these questions won’t necessarily change, the answers will evolve as your child grows to adulthood.

1. What relationships are necessary for cultivating racial identity?

As with most things in adoptive parenting, “relationship is key.” Dr. Samuels said it well:

“Our sense of ourselves… the master of identities that matter in our society… comes with a bunch of assumptions about the relationships that we’ve had, the families that we’ve grown up in, the people we know, the kinds of foods we eat, the languages we are inclined to speak….”

It’s crucial, then, that you regularly examine the nature and quality of the following types of relationships as your child ages and develops his identity:

  • Your child’s relationship with you, his parent – are you building a safe connection in which he can explore and share his growing sense of identity?
  • Your child’s relationship with other adoptees – do you provide opportunities for your child to build relationships with transracial adoptees in similar stages of understanding identity?
  • Your child’s relationship with others of the same race – have you created occasions for your child to be in relationships with people of his race, not just adoptees?

Starting all of this when your child is young gives you time to model a wide variety of relationships in your own life. Of course, in the busy pace of a typical family, it isn’t always feasible to do all of these at the same time or consistently, especially when adopting older children. Whenever you adopted or began fostering this child, you can start now to teach him what to look for in relationships that will support him as he grows into his racial identity. The conversations are foundational and can be expanded upon as he grows to adulthood.

2. Where do you find those relationships?

School Community

It is very likely that your local school is where your child will spend most of his time, between classes and extracurricular activities. If your district is not diverse or if the representations of your child’s race are very limited, your family could discuss changing school districts. Changing school districts is not always an option, but it’s a conversation worth having over the stages of your child’s identity development. You might be able to add some connections in extracurricular activities with people of your child’s race.

Adoption Community

It’s quite common for adoption and foster communities to be tight-knit support systems. Some of your best resources for relationship can grow out of those connections. If you are fortunate to have a local support group, attending in-person events with the same people will offer organic opportunities to connect with families in similar stages of forming a racial identity. These relationships will be good additions to your quest to build a healthy racial identity in your child.

Faith Communities

If you are part of a faith tradition, there could be many opportunities in that community for your child to develop vibrant, rewarding relationships with other persons of their race. You might have to work a little harder than your child to develop a relationship with adults of your child’s race or culture.

For those who do not participate in a local church, mosque, or temple that offers a diverse community, talk as a family about how to change that. Find a few supplemental programs hosted by other faith communities, in addition to regular weekly attendance in your home church. For example, some transracial families allow their teens to attend a youth group of their choosing in addition to regular services in the home church as a family. It might mean joining a new faith “home” altogether, where the white parents are the minority among the worshippers.

Community Service Groups

Joining community clubs or service organizations is another idea to consider increasing diversity. The benefit of joining a service organization is that you are also teaching your children the value of generosity and community engagement.

3. How do you build those relationships?

The following are practical ideas offered by experienced transracial adoptive parents:

  • Just put yourself out there – This is hard for introverts but try to connect with your “why” and allow yourself to start small.
  • Make a date – Invite another transracial adoptive or foster mom out for coffee. Ask a mom of your child’s race to lunch.
  • Get the kids involved – Pay attention to which kids your child is drawn to and set up a playdate or two. If it falls flat or goes nowhere, keep trying until you and your child find a good fit.
  • Celebrate a lot – Check out the local race-specific and cultural events. Attend community holiday celebrations. Invite another family of your child’s race to join you. Ask your kids whom they would like to invite.
  • Work with the professionals – Seek out a black pediatrician in your community. Find an Asian market to shop. Become regulars at an authentic Hispanic restaurant. Take your child to hair salons where you can choose stylists of your child’s race. Be open and friendly — and a repeat customer!

4. What if your child wants no part of those relationships?

Yep, it’s true… your kids will not always jump up and down with joy at your efforts to develop their racial identity. You might get a big sigh and eye roll for your efforts. And you might find it helpful to tell yourself “This too shall pass” if you do. Here are a few things to remember when you are getting resistance.

  • Do it for your own growth – Widening your circle of relationships to include people of your child’s race is stretching for your own sense of self. These relationships will enrich your life. The connections will strengthen the love and honor you feel for your child’s origins.
  • Keep modeling it – Your kids might not welcome your efforts, but they are still watching. They are storing their impressions of your desire to support them and navigate with them.
  • Set small goals – Pick one or two things from the answers to these four questions and work on those. The next time you ask yourself the questions, try another goal.

The Answers Will Change Over Time, Age, & Stage

The beauty of asking these same four questions over your child’s process to form racial identity is that the answers won’t always be the same. The questions can be your launching point – or your accountability – to gage how you are supporting your child. They can open doors to great conversations as your child becomes a young adult.

Your Best is Okay

Finally, a word of grace to all you hard-working parents out there. It’s okay to manage your expectations and your priorities according to your family’s unique needs and dynamic. Focusing on healthy racial identity might not be the MOST important part of adoptive parenting for you right now. That is okay.

The next time you ask these four questions, your priorities and your child’s needs might be very different. You can rise to those needs then. Remember, helping your child form healthy racial identity is a long-term parenting game.

If you are like most other transracial adoptive or foster families, you are often overwhelmed with all the things that you “should” prioritize. Your calendar is already full of therapy sessions, medical appointments, IEP meetings, date nights, and family time. So much to juggle! Find the proper priority for YOUR family. But find time to circle back and keep asking the questions as your child grows.