Bully Proofing Your Transracially Adopted Child

In their late elementary and junior high years, kids want to blend in and be just like their peers. It’s a developmentally appropriate need, even though their peers are all unique in their own right. This goal of conformity can bring up some significant issues for kids who have been adopted transracially and already feel different than their friends.  Sadly, it can also make them a target for peer bullying. While we adults know that bullying often comes from a child who is insecure and wounded himself, it does not necessarily help our kids to hear that when they have experienced being bullied.

Is My Transracial Adoptee At Risk for Bullying?

So, are transracially adopted children more at risk? Some experts think so. At this age, adolescents have the typical developmental task of differentiating from parents to form their identity. Transracial adoptees have the added tasks of understanding and integrating their history with racial or cultural identity, in addition to the culture of the family who adopted them. That’s a lot of developmental tasks for the adolescent brain.

It’s not uncommon for teasing and taunting from peers to cross over into racially-charged taunting and outright racism. Our kids’ peers are also working through the developmental tasks of desiring conformity while forming identity. Issues that highlight differences, such as being part of a transracial family, can be confusing and thus become easy targets upon which to focus.

What Can I Do To Bully-Proof My Child?

The reality is that you cannot bully-proof your child with 100% certainty. But there are a few strategies you can employ to support your child and equip him to work through these tasks from a secure and safe foundation.

Tackle the Tough Topics Together

Create an environment in your home in which no topic is off-limits. Embrace the complex issues of this age and stage of life: race, culture, politics, sexuality, and religion. These are quite often tricky topics for families, but you need to get comfortable with them and practice talking about them together.

Make your home a safe place for you all to learn, giving each other opportunities to disagree without damaging your relationships. This tells your child that you are okay with the process, and you are willing to learn with him. It also says that you are not too fragile or uncomfortable to tackle hard things together.

One creative way to get comfortable with complex issues together is to have a “current events bucket.” During the week, fill the bucket with an interesting variety of current events you will use as conversation starters. A few times a week, pull out a topic from the bucket. Talk about how that event impacts your lives. Ask each other how folks of different races and religions might feel about the event. Brainstorm together how you can respond (more compassionately, filling a need, or speaking with an open mind?) when a similar event happens to you.

Expand Your Family’s Circles

Thoughtfully consider the racial and cultural make-up of your core community:

• Do you have folks who look like your child in your regular daily life?
• Are they welcome to speak into his life over important issues like race, culture, and morality?
• Is his school a diverse blend of races and cultures?
• Are you plugged into a faith community that represents your child’s race and culture?

Providing opportunities for your family to build a relationship with those of your adopted child’s race will give him role models and racial mirrors. It will enrich your identity as a transracial adoptive family.

Being surrounded by this diversity, rich with people who are actively investing in him, also gives him a sense of being part of a broader community than “just” his family and will bolster his forming racial identity. If he experiences bullying, he has a safe place to land and a healthy foundation from which to respond. Offering a wide variety of adults whom you trust to process these complex issues with him communicates that you value different perspectives in your “village.”

Go, Team, Go!

It might be tempting to assume that your child knows you are on his team. But in the adolescent years, kids can doubt even the most bedrock ideas about themselves. Tell your transracially adopted child that you are “Team Jack” in a myriad of ways. Figure out the ways that he best receives love and affirmation and go a little crazy with it. He might roll his eyes — okay, he WILL roll his eyes — but he won’t doubt your love for him. Tell him how much you admire his bravery or his leadership skills. When he is kind to a classmate, make a massive to-do about it. When he stands up for another kid, go overboard with the praise.

When your child does come to you and says that he was bullied, believe him. You’ve made sure that he knows you will always be on his team. Now it’s time to show him that you will always have his back. Ask him what he wants to do about the bullying. Brainstorm with him a couple of solutions and talk about what role he wants YOU to play in resolving the problem. Be willing to meet with the school or the “bully’s” parents if your child needs that from you.

Consider role-playing some coping skills to help your child get comfortable with responses when it happens again. Keep the conversation going and check-in even after you think the incident is resolved.

It’s a Family Issue

Finally, treat the instances of bullying as YOUR issue as a transracial adoptive family. Find ways to come around your child who has experienced the bullying so that he knows his team is there for him, and he’s not facing it alone. There are many ways in which transracially adopted kids feel “othered.”  This can be an opportunity to stand with him and make sure he knows he is not facing this hurtful behavior in isolation.

Again, it’s impossible to prevent bullying completely. But these strategies give your child a strong foundation from which to respond to the bullying. Teaching your children to value the differences around them and within your own family will make you stronger together. Your child can, from a position of strength, build upon these strategies as he grows to adulthood and ventures outside the protective covering of your home.

If you are interested in more general support for transracial adoptive parenting, this resource will be beneficial: Seven Tasks for Parents: Developing Racial Identity.